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Post by stris141 on Oct 7, 2007 3:12:53 GMT -5
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man,
standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
Most -- cars and men. What's your name?" she asked.
He said, "Bob Titsenbeer"
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Oct 7, 2007 9:32:01 GMT -5
Sex with the light off
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Oct 8, 2007 16:49:13 GMT -5
63 and Pregnant
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old! She has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?'
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Post by stris141 on Oct 8, 2007 21:26:57 GMT -5
WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE?
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fin gers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Oct 9, 2007 9:22:55 GMT -5
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water,she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there - he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds,"He had a hat."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Oct 14, 2007 11:17:32 GMT -5
One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side, then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs, then started up the
inside of her left thigh, stopping, and returning to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back......
"I found the remote."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Oct 16, 2007 9:02:15 GMT -5
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts”. She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start”. This time she looked a little angry but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, “Quick, get me another beer before it starts”. “That’s it”! She blows her top, “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then you expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long”?? The husband sighed and said, “Oh crap, it’s started”!
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Oct 19, 2007 4:58:01 GMT -5
My diagnosis......not good
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
No wonder I can never get around to finishing this DART
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
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Post by stris141 on Oct 19, 2007 9:08:15 GMT -5
LMAO It's been here for awhile already!
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Oct 19, 2007 16:57:01 GMT -5
;D
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Post by stris141 on Oct 20, 2007 11:38:40 GMT -5
A marriage broker goes to see Mr. Smith a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Smith, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the marriage broker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Smith, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'.... I didn't say they were mine!"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Oct 21, 2007 11:26:31 GMT -5
Murphy's Laws On Sex
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Oct 21, 2007 11:36:10 GMT -5
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.
"Phyllis...... Phyllis"
"Is that you, Dave?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have Breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, Then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Dave you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Oct 22, 2007 13:52:19 GMT -5
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this" She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Oct 22, 2007 16:51:15 GMT -5
Cowboy meets Indian
A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills. Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to, to protect me from the weather."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."
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Post by stris141 on Oct 23, 2007 0:49:11 GMT -5
LMAO!!!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Oct 24, 2007 8:50:33 GMT -5
A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.
Written in large black letters across the tape was the sentence: "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Oct 24, 2007 12:45:25 GMT -5
The Lone Ranger is captured by
Indians...The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE".
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Oct 24, 2007 17:13:56 GMT -5
Lmao ! Well 2 out of 3 can't be all bad.
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Post by stris141 on Oct 25, 2007 20:18:26 GMT -5
Spelling to get into Heaven > > > > A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for > Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. > > She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her > parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before > her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are > you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you." >
> > > > > When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a > wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint > Peter told her. > > "Which word?" the woman asked. > > "Love." > > The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into > Heaven. > > About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to > watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. > > >
> > > > > While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived > "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" > > "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told > her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while > you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the > little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife > and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and > I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What > a bummer! How do I get in?" > > "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. > > "Which word?" her husband asked. > > "Czechoslovakia." >
> > > Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to > pay later!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Oct 27, 2007 12:59:32 GMT -5
A squad of Marines were marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent." We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!" And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Oct 29, 2007 19:59:08 GMT -5
This is bad------but funny!! >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little >>> perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, >>> >>> >>> >>> "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" >>> >>> The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." >>> >>> "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" >>> >>> "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly >>> intelligent, >>> thoroughly educated bird." >>> >>> "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "then answer this. How do you hang onto your >>> perch without any feet?" >>> >>> "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, >>> I >>> wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see >>> it >>> because of my feathers." >>> >>> "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't >>> you?" >>> >>> "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with >>> reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, >>> physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really >>> >>> >>> >>> ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." >>> >>> The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford >>> that." >>> >>> "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody >>> wants >>> me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just >>> make >>> the guy an offer!" >>> >>> The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. >>> >>> Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, >>> >>> >>> >>> he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he >>> sympathizes, >>> and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. >>> >>> One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Pssssssssst," >>> and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you >>> this >>> or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." >>> >>> "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. >>> >>> "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the >>> door in a sheer black nightie." >>> >>> "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" >>> >>> "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and >>> began petting her all over," reported the parrot. >>> >>> "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" >>> >>> "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees >>> >>> >>> >>> and began to kiss her all over...." >>> >>> Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" >>> >>> "Damned if I know. I got all excited and fell off my perch!" >>> >>> >>> If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day
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Post by stris141 on Oct 30, 2007 9:20:29 GMT -5
This has been one of jokes I love to tell!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Oct 31, 2007 9:12:02 GMT -5
Not really a joke. But I thought I'd pass this along.
My mail carrier told me that the US Postal service sent a message to all letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets to keep yellow-jackets away. I use it when I am working outside. It really works. The yellow jackets just veer around you.
1. All this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer! It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also repels mice.
2. Spread sheets around foundation areas, or in trailers, or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.
3. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.
4. It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
5. Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.
6. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen wit h a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
7. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
8. To freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
9. Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.
10. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
11. Pre vent mus ty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
12. To freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
13. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan.
14. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
15. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
16. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
17. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
18. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
19. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.
20. Golfers put a Bounce sheet! In their back pocket to keep the bees away.
21. Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. It will keep them smelling fresh.
22. Quick, BOUNCE this along within the next 5 minutes! Nothing will happen if you don't, but your friends will be glad to hear these hints!
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Oct 31, 2007 17:10:38 GMT -5
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak
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Post by stris141 on Nov 1, 2007 9:10:44 GMT -5
Love Poems
WOMAN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
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MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, And loves to send me fishing and hunting. This Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a darn.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Nov 2, 2007 12:51:46 GMT -5
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Maaaaac, donnnnn, aaallllds."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Nov 8, 2007 22:41:09 GMT -5
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a Cajun carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked him, "Where did you get that turkey?" The Cajun replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm." The Cajun looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!" The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?" The Cajun said, "I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go!"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Nov 11, 2007 20:50:21 GMT -5
And then there was this here church down in Texas that had a verybig-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons tho ugh because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said.....
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday'.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Nov 19, 2007 16:28:24 GMT -5
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"
Steve
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