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Post by stris141 on Nov 21, 2007 17:37:48 GMT -5
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, 'Father ... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. ?So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'
'It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors every day and twice on weekends.'
The priest said, 'By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way.? But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.? But I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'...Should I tell her the war is over?'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Nov 21, 2007 17:42:03 GMT -5
A few winter statistics 98% OF AMERICANS SAY "OH crap" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD. THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM MINNESOTA OR WISCONSIN AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS crap."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Nov 21, 2007 18:02:00 GMT -5
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.
Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs. Life is Good!
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Nov 22, 2007 11:44:49 GMT -5
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
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Post by stris141 on Nov 23, 2007 3:32:10 GMT -5
Stink bait for sure!!!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Nov 27, 2007 10:18:35 GMT -5
MARINE CORPS ETIQUETTE The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old "Field Marine." He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private.
In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be "unfit in quality or quantity."
Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of formal entertaining... fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold "C-rats" around a fighting hole with a bunch of young "hard charging" Marines. But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.
During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from Eighth and Eye" (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington, D.C., home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of parade rest at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held.
At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, big-chested, blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, "Would you like pastry young man?"
The young Marine snapped to attention and replied, "I don't eat that s---, Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of parade rest. His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.
The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"
The Marine snapped back to the position of attention (like the arm of a mousetrap smacking it's wooden base). Then he said, "I don't eat that s---, Ma'am." And just as smartly as before, he moved back to the position of parade rest.
This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life), and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed, "Well! I never...!"
The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants. So blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted.
"General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you know what he told me?"
General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, "Well, no Ma'am, I don't." The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, "He said, 'I - don't - eat - that - s--- - Ma'am!'"
The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought that most of them had was, "God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines! " and the color left their faces.
General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "Hummm Which one did you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked.
"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support. General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision.
He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, f*ck him then, don't give him any."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Nov 30, 2007 0:37:50 GMT -5
> > >>> > WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS > > >>> > > > >>> > Dear :Bob > > >>> > > > >>> > I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work > leaving > > >>> > my > > >>> > husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more > than > > >>> > a mile > > >>> > down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a > > >>> > halt. > > >>> > > > >>> > I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I > > >>> > couldn't > > >>> > believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making > mad > > >>> > passionate > > >>> > love to her. > > >>> > > > >>> > I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. > > >>> > > > >>> > When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the > back > > >>> > yard > > >>> > and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her > > >>> > unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in > > >>> > bed, and began CPR. When > > >>> > she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he > > >>> > was > > >>> > attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why > > >>> > neither of > > >>> > them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been > > >>> > having an > > >>> > affair for the past six months. > > >>> > > > >>> > I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job > > >>> > six > > >>> > months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed > and > > >>> > worthless. > > >>> > I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has > > >>> > become > > >>> > increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore > > >>> > > > >>> Can you please help? > > >>> > > > >>> > Sincerely, > > >>> > Mrs.. Sheila Usk > > >>> > > > >>> > > > >>> > > > >>> > Dear Sheila: > > >>> > > > >>> > A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by > a > > >>> > variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is > no > > >>> > debris in the > > >>> > fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the > vacuum > > >>> > pipes > > >>> > onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the > > >>> > problem, it > > >>> > could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery > > >>> > pressure to > > >>> > the carburetor float chamber. > > >>> > > > >>> > I hope this helps. > > >>> > > > >>> > Bob
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Dec 2, 2007 12:01:39 GMT -5
Younger ones won't remember the "original" Hollywood Squares, but we old farts will get a kick out of this. Enjoy!!!!! &nbs p;
These questions and answers are from the days when answers were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, At least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver (aka Clifford Arquette ): Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping Me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a Stranger at a party and you think that he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie : No; wait until morning.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three Words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a Pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are ......."Do It"...... "I Can Help,"...... and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing "old" question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver : Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde : Tape measures.
< /DIV>
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
< B>Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde : Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? &nbs p; A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they? A. Charley Weaver : His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde : Point and laugh.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Dec 3, 2007 2:51:36 GMT -5
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)Enough said!
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh crap." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Dec 4, 2007 9:39:55 GMT -5
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees The big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. ' My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.' The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again And this time he is crouched behind a bush. 'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.' Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf Again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. 'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.' With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Dec 4, 2007 23:55:20 GMT -5
AN OLD MAN WAS GROCERY SHOPPING WITH HIS GRANDSON. THE TODDLER WAS CRYING AND AT TIMES SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS.
AS THE OLD GENTLEMAN WALKED UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, PEOPLE COULD HEAR HIM SPEAKING IN A SOFT VOICE...
"WE ARE ALMOST DONE, ALBERT... TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT... LIFE WILL GET BETTER, ALBERT..."
AS HE APPROACHED THE CHECKOUT STAND, HE CAREFULLY BRUSHED THE TODDLER'S TEARS FROM HIS EYES AND SAID AGAIN,
"TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT... WE WILL BE HOME SOON, ALBERT..."
AS HE WAS PAYING THE CASHIER, THE TODDLER CONTINUED TO CRY AS A YOUNG WOMAN IN LINE BEHIND HIM SAID, "SIR, I THINK IT IS WONDERFUL HOW SWEET YOU ARE BEING TO YOUR LITTLE ALBERT."
THE OLD GENTLEMAN BLINKED HIS EYES A COUPLE OF TIMES B EFORE SAYING . . .
MY GRANDSON'S NAME IS JOHN........
I'M ALBERT..........
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Dec 6, 2007 11:16:08 GMT -5
A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."
The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "crap, me too. I didn't know we got a choice."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Dec 12, 2007 9:59:24 GMT -5
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day
Roaming around in Mexico
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
"What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those
are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the Bull fight
this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one
serving per day because there is only one bull fight each
morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be
sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and
that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of
the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the
waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much,
much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor.
Sometimes the bull wins.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Dec 16, 2007 4:03:49 GMT -5
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high...
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Dec 16, 2007 4:08:29 GMT -5
Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!"
The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."
The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!
Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Dec 24, 2007 2:02:44 GMT -5
The South Carolina preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am so embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.
Y'all have a nice day!!!!!
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Dec 28, 2007 9:42:59 GMT -5
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful.
"Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Dec 30, 2007 12:53:12 GMT -5
After 30 years of marriage, sex just wasn't what it used to be. Susan longed for the days of being a newlywed, when just about anything was a good enough reason to have sex.
Then one day she saw an ad for Viagra on TV.
It sounded too good to be true. The very next morning she went to the drug store and asked the pharmacist if Viagra really worked.
"Yes," he said, "I use it myself."
"Can you get it over the counter?" asked Susan.
The pharmacist replied "Well, not with one pill, but maybe with two..."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Dec 31, 2007 23:21:12 GMT -5
Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough think he improve system like that."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 8, 2008 9:49:20 GMT -5
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from
his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept
for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog
comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 8, 2008 10:07:13 GMT -5
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true. John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... 'Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 10, 2008 9:37:04 GMT -5
A young man goes into the Job Center in Boise, Idaho and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Twin Falls, Idaho. That's about 120 miles from here.'
'Oh why, is that where the job's at?'
'No sir - that's the end of the line!'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 17, 2008 2:29:19 GMT -5
This ought to make all Grandpas feel warm and cozy A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. 'Grandpa, Grandpa,' he says excitedly, 'as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!' 'What?' said his grandpa? 'Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 17, 2008 9:42:56 GMT -5
CO's Morning Briefing The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish it’s brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?' The XO chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well Sir, began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent. God Bless the Marine Corps. Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 17, 2008 10:46:04 GMT -5
Not really a joke. Just a good thought!
Attitude There once was a woman who woke up one morning, Looked in the mirror, And noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?" So she did And She Had A Wonderful Day.
The next day she woke up, Looked in the mirror And saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?" So she did And She Had A Grand Day.
The next day she woke up, Looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did And She Had A Fun, Fun Day.
The next day she woke up, Looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
Attitude is everything.
Be kinder than necessary, For everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Live simply,
Love generously,
Care deeply,
Speak kindly.......
Leave the rest to fate... Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass It's about learning to dance in the rain... Wishing you everything that is good. Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 19, 2008 13:49:26 GMT -5
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, " You need a piece of tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 19, 2008 13:59:52 GMT -5
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? -Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge? - No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean what are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland . Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.< /B> Does your wife beat you up? - No, I am always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? -She going to kill me. What makes you think that? -I got proof! What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 20, 2008 13:22:47 GMT -5
It was Visitor's Day at the Lunatic Asylum.
All the inmates were standing in the courtyard, singing "Ave Maria." They were singing beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonder to the performance, and then approached the conductor. "I'm a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard" "Yes, I am very proud of them," said the conductor. "You should take them on tour," said the visitor "What are they called?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor.
"They're the Moron Tapanapple Choir
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 23, 2008 12:02:14 GMT -5
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."
Don't mess with old farts
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Jan 23, 2008 18:03:27 GMT -5
Lmao ! I liked that 1 Steve .
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