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Post by stris141 on Jan 23, 2008 22:02:31 GMT -5
I know that's what I would have done! And I'm pretty much a old one.LOL
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 24, 2008 11:32:11 GMT -5
THE CHICKEN BUSINESS
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 25, 2008 10:15:05 GMT -5
Three Rednecks were working up on an Alabama Cell Phone tower. Cooter, Leroy and Doug. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Leroy says, "Well damn, someone should go and tell his wife". Doug says, OK I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it. Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser, Leroy asks, Where did you get the Beer, Doug? Cooter's wife gave it to me, Leroy replies. That's unbelievable, you told the lady that her husband was dead and she gave you beer! Well, not exactly, Doug sez. When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow. She said, You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow. Then I said, I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 25, 2008 10:34:41 GMT -5
Sally had stopped at what looked like a recently opened singles lounge after shopping for a few things for her new abode. She was enjoying the libation when she was approached by a well known local Casanova. "How about us spending a romantic weekend in a nice quiet hotel?" he whispered in Sally's ear. "I'm afraid," she said, "That my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes you from any such erotic confrontation." "I don't get it," he said. "Right !! " giggled Sally.
Steve
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Post by 65kdawg on Jan 25, 2008 19:45:07 GMT -5
ok i play jokes at work ok i heave a friend at my work that play jokes on so he had monster engery drink i put upside down a wrote ON THE BOTTOM OF THE CAN I HAVE A SMALL P.P it was break time i ask him what does the bottom of your can say. i say there was some girls there he said load so some people here him he turn very red
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Post by stris141 on Jan 27, 2008 14:07:35 GMT -5
Report Cards These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 7. This child has been working with glue too much. 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 30, 2008 10:06:06 GMT -5
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 30, 2008 23:18:07 GMT -5
> SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- > It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. > "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in > front. > "What are my choices?" John asked. > "Yes or no," she replied. > > SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- > A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but > she couldn't find one big > enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any > bigger?" > The stock boy replied, " No ma'am, they're dead." > > SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- > The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled > down his window. > "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. > The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." > When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without > a ticket. > > SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- > A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that > reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." > Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck > under the bridge. Cars are > backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. > The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands > on his hips and says, > "Got stuck, huh?" > The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of > gas." > > SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 -- > A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, > I won't tolerate any excuses for you > not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious > personal injury, illness, or a death in your > immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" > A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What > would you say if tomorrow I said I was > suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" > The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is > restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head > and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your > other hand."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 31, 2008 22:50:22 GMT -5
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 31, 2008 22:52:10 GMT -5
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things d own to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 2, 2008 11:22:03 GMT -5
> A new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about hearing > confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. > > The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks > him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. > > The old priest suggests, 'Cross your arms over your chest, and rub > your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and > 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'' > > The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats > all the suggested remarks to the old priest. > > The old priest says: 'Now, don't you think that's a little better than > slapping your knee and saying, 'No crap. What happened next?'' >
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 4, 2008 23:13:40 GMT -5
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.' Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 5, 2008 22:16:14 GMT -5
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 8, 2008 11:38:09 GMT -5
FINALLY, A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY EVERYONE AND IT ''S POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Golden Gate. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the midd le of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 9, 2008 5:00:58 GMT -5
> >>>>>>> A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. > >>>>>>> He began his day with an 8 Lb walleye on the > >>>>>>> first cast and a 7 Lb on the second. On the third cast he had > just > >>>>>>> caught his first ever walleye over 11 pounds when his cell phone > >>>>>>> rang. > >>>>>>> It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a > >>>>>> terrible > >>>>>>> accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. > >>>>>>> The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that > > >>>>>>> he'd > >>>>>> be > >>>>>>> > >>>>>>> there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was > leaving > >>>>>> what > >>>>>>> was > >>>>>>> shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. > >>>>>>> He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to > the > >>>>>>> hospital > >>>>>>> He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip > with > >>>>>>> a > >>>>>> > >>>>>>> stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 walleye over 10 pounds. He > was > >>>>>>> jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. > >>>>>>> Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in > the > >>>>>>> corridor > >>>>>>> and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him > and > >>>>>>> shouted, 'You went ahead and finished > >>>>>> your > >>>>>>> fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While > you > >>>>>> were > >>>>>>> out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your > wife > >>>>>> has > >>>>>>> been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead > and > >>>>>>> finished > >>>>>>> because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you > ever > >>>>>>> take!' > >>>>>>> 'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock > care. > >>>>>>> And > >>>>>>> you'll be her care giver forever!' > &g t;>>>>>> The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. > >>>>>>> The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just joking with ya. > She's > >>>>>>> dead. What'd you catch?'
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Feb 15, 2008 18:54:46 GMT -5
LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation was devastating. It did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area.
One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans . The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the black woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied," I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We gits our chicken from Popeye's".
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.
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Post by stris141 on Feb 16, 2008 22:22:24 GMT -5
The Three Little Pigs
Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."
And he did!
The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!" The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!"
And he did!
So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in! "The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!" So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."
While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. They went over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Then they got back into their limo and drove off, leaving the wolf bleeding on the street.
The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys?" And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 19, 2008 9:24:12 GMT -5
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder......
It's "Miracle Grow."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 19, 2008 12:14:45 GMT -5
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in northern Minnesota on the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.
The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, & stood w/ his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.
The other hunter exclaimed, 'Wow! That was the most sports-manlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck t o escape while showing such compassion & kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian & a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!'
The first hunter nodded & said; 'Well, we were married for 42 years.'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 21, 2008 12:22:55 GMT -5
This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later."
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener ....
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 21, 2008 22:03:41 GMT -5
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate > this! > Doesn't it seem like more and more that physicians are running their > practices like an assembly line? > > Here's what happened to Bubba > > Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist > asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down > his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a > seat. > > > Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked > Bubba what he had. > > > Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his > height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in > the > examining room. > > A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he > had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a > blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off > all his > clothes and wait for the doctor. > > > An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting > patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, > 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' > > Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you > want me to unload 'em??'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 21, 2008 23:02:07 GMT -5
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He says, "Yes
- just caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the service?"
Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment." And then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100%...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles
off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right
now. Normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start
tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?"
This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching ourselves.
No point in you coming in for that."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 23, 2008 5:02:45 GMT -5
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school..
One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and
Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but
Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to
look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear
name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they
must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do
exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and
down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting
in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes
they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the
same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll
house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the
wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be
retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want
to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their
grandchildren. ......
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 23, 2008 13:04:48 GMT -5
A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank".
The hostage answers "yes". The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank. The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did!"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 24, 2008 13:50:00 GMT -5
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.
"Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"
She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 27, 2008 21:48:00 GMT -5
>Bear Hunting >Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. >He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon >after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big >black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was >my cousin Charley. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death >or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the >latter alternative. > >So the black bear had his way with Frank. > >Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed >revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black >bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his >shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The >grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin Timmy and >you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have "rough >sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly >bear than be mauled to death. > >So the grizzly had his way with Frank. > >Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully >recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to >Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt >sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. >He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar >bear looked at him and said, > >"Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 28, 2008 11:54:08 GMT -5
A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base ops and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the flight line and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid,so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has cause d this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump crap out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Mar 1, 2008 9:55:27 GMT -5
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo crap. Someone stole tent."
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Post by stris141 on Mar 1, 2008 13:09:59 GMT -5
Tonto right! LOL
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 2, 2008 4:30:34 GMT -5
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Steve
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