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Post by Shorty Thompson on Mar 2, 2008 10:11:47 GMT -5
Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.. Also, since he lost his job over six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshits with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do? Signed: Clueless Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!
Signed: Abby
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Mar 2, 2008 19:52:42 GMT -5
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR A PERFECT MARRIAGE 1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a Little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.... But she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric Toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place To sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well Because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late For the garbage? " The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her First name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her. < /B>
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it........these were the good old days When humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "God Bless"
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Post by stris141 on Mar 3, 2008 9:44:32 GMT -5
I loved Red!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 3, 2008 9:44:59 GMT -5
Satan in Church
People were in their pews talking at church.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to getaway from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for 44 years."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 4, 2008 11:14:07 GMT -5
Lost Wife
I approached a young woman inside the mall while doing some shopping.
'Excuse me,' I said. I can't seem to find my wife. Can I talk to you for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for this older looking fellow, said,
'Sure, Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere.'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 8, 2008 13:18:32 GMT -5
3 women, chatting about
their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: 'Hi Batman, what's for dinner?'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 10, 2008 9:02:43 GMT -5
God's Problem Now
When the graveside service had no more than terminated, There was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 10, 2008 10:21:31 GMT -5
A surgeon had just finished a meeting in the city. It had been a grueling day and he stopped of at a gentleman's club for a refresher before traveling home.
He is sitting there gazing out of the window and he overhears two elderly members having what is rapidly becoming a heated debate.
"I tell you Carruthers it's 'WOOM (which he spells)'!" says a rather portly gent in plus fours.
"No! No! No! Jenkins it's 'WHOOM (which he spells)'!"
The surgeon, not wanting the old friends to get too excited or become enemies attracts their attention. "Excuse me gentlemen, but I couldn't help overhearing your argument and I am afraid that you are both in error ... the correct word is 'WOMB'. And the surgeon spells it out. The surgeon leaves the club a little later and the old gents watch him go.
Carruthers leans over and says to Jenkins, "Well to be frank with you old boy, I don't think he has ever seen a water buffalo let alone heard one fart under water!"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 13, 2008 12:19:36 GMT -5
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk .We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,......silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
>
>
>
>
> . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 20, 2008 16:03:41 GMT -5
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 20, 2008 16:13:33 GMT -5
What do you call a rooster with erectile dysfunction?
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A boneless chicken of course!!!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Apr 2, 2008 8:58:23 GMT -5
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a f ew minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Apr 7, 2008 21:07:53 GMT -5
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
"Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some azzhole's got my pen!"
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Apr 9, 2008 17:13:21 GMT -5
Please Pray for Damon
Damon was in trouble. He forgot his Wedding Anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE." The next morning Damon got up early and left for work. When his wife awoke she looked out the window and there was a gift wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box into the house. She opened it and found a new bathroom scale. Damon has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
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Post by stris141 on Apr 9, 2008 20:07:12 GMT -5
LOL Damon should have known better!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Apr 15, 2008 21:32:17 GMT -5
Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a Lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, 'So what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'
The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the midget'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Apr 16, 2008 22:04:05 GMT -5
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:
"DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE" As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Apr 18, 2008 19:03:32 GMT -5
The Problem with Outsourcing
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline: Suicide Hotline. Got a call center in Pakistan. Told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane or drive a truckā¦
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Apr 22, 2008 10:44:16 GMT -5
Outhouse
Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.
Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw, walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head in that there hole!"
Paw says, "I ain't puttin" my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit, mind ya), and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole!"
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "oww! OWW! Maw! MAW!, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Apr 27, 2008 19:43:26 GMT -5
Old Timer Sex
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy! The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them," Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Post by stris141 on Apr 28, 2008 19:49:53 GMT -5
;D ;D Steve
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Post by nbb1147 on Apr 28, 2008 20:42:34 GMT -5
change the subject for a min... whats really goin on this site right here does amy even get on or update it every time get on here nothin is goin on that derby chat on derby pro does that even work still? whats really goin on here ;D
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Post by stris141 on May 1, 2008 9:52:45 GMT -5
The 60's
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?" "Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..." "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. "Really?" Fred asked, eyebrows rose. "Oh yes," the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!" "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids!" the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The dance is called the Twist!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on May 2, 2008 8:36:25 GMT -5
a woman goes to see the doctor. doc ask her whats the problem she replies doc for the last several weeks i have been passing gas but you cannot hear it or smell it, as a matter of fact i have been passing gas as we speak. doc checks her over and gives her a prescription tells her to come back in 2 weeks. 2 weeks later she goes back to doc he asks her how things are going. she replies that not much has changed other than now whwn she passes gas it smells. doc checks her over again and says now we will work on your hearing!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on May 6, 2008 10:44:21 GMT -5
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. 'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy. 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!' With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her three times.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on May 17, 2008 20:48:07 GMT -5
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jun 6, 2008 9:59:56 GMT -5
> Fire Truck > > A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station > when he notices a little girl next door in a little red > wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden > hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl is wearing a > fire fighter's helmet.The wagon is being pulled by her > dog and her cat.The fire fighter walked over to take a > closer look."That sure is a nice fire truck," the > fire fighter says with admiration."Thanks" the > girl says.The firefighter looks a little closer and notices > the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to > the cat's testicles."Little Partner," the > fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how > to run your rig, but if you were to tiethat rope around the > cats' collar too, I think you could go faster." The > little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably > right, but then Iwouldn't have a siren
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jun 9, 2008 20:21:21 GMT -5
A man owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur. So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur?" as their didn't seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur. Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off. In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behind him. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest. The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. The gorilla! It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked straight into the bloodshot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly. This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jun 10, 2008 19:51:47 GMT -5
Thoughts From Ireland
'We, in Ireland , can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States .
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.
What are you lads thinking over there?'
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Jun 11, 2008 18:48:16 GMT -5
Baked Beans - This is hilarious!??
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. ?
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had? consumed t hree large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."?
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to? answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.?< BR> It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was? worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I? quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,? apologizing for taking so long.?
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"?
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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