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Post by crash21 on Dec 6, 2005 19:40:57 GMT -5
This was my favorite thread on the old site. I hope you don't mind Sissy, I waited as long as I could for you to start it.
Let's start with a classic.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It wanted to see a man lay bricks. ;D
Whoo Hoo! I'm not a rat anymore!
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Post by sissygirl on Dec 6, 2005 20:49:34 GMT -5
Women's Azz Size Study There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their azz's! You may find the results pretty interesting: A. 85% of women think their azz is too fat... B. 10% of women think their azz is too skinny... C. The other 5% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they would have married him anyway. ;D
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Post by sissygirl on Dec 6, 2005 21:06:44 GMT -5
Chet...The Christmas Parrot One day a husband decided to go to a pet store and get his wife a bird for Christmas. He knew she loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this would be the perfect gift for her. He goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, it's a bird named Chet who sings. The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet can sing, and that he'll show him. The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."
The husband says that it was great and asks, "Does Chet sing anything else?" So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet. He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."
The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The wife is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?" The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter under both feet and he begins to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...." ;D
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Post by stris141 on Dec 7, 2005 1:20:15 GMT -5
LOL SissY! That's a cute one!
Steve
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Post by doba75 on Dec 7, 2005 9:37:30 GMT -5
that was good sis. lmao
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Post by derbyfanatic244 on Dec 7, 2005 13:58:06 GMT -5
Alright heres mine, its kind of dirty; A man and his wife are travelling on a cold winter day when they get a flat tire. The man goes out to change the tire but has to return inside the car quickly because its so cold. When he gets in he quickly puts his hands between his wifes thighs, and she asks why. He tells her, that is the warmest spot on the human body, after thawing his hands he continues to change the tire, but returns quickly and does the same. He warms up, gets back out, and is finally done changing the tire. When he gets in the car he goes to warm his hands as previously described, and she stops him, and asks "I'm sure your ears must be freezing".
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Post by sissygirl on Dec 7, 2005 14:31:41 GMT -5
He should have worn a hat.
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Post by themailman on Dec 7, 2005 16:34:35 GMT -5
i'll try to clean this one up as i go but it was sent to me with plenty of 4 letter words.
dear santa, i'm sure you are wondering why i am writing you today,december 26th,but i need to let you know how the past year was for me. i had asked for a new bike,a football uniform,and cd player.i spent the year studying to the point of exhaustion and not only had the highest grades in my class but the highest grades in the hole school. i gave my allowance to charity and did all i could do for the betterment of humanity. i ran errands for my parents and relatives,baby sat for anyone who asked,i even helped old ladies cross the road. so you must have some set of balls to show up here and leave me a f#%&ing yo-yo and some ugly pair of socks!to think that you played me the fool for an entire year!then you go next door and leave that little spoiled puke so many toys that he can't even get in the house.don't come back here next year and try to stuff your fat a$$ down my chimney because if you do i'm going to be there with a baseball bat to thump the crap out of you,then i'll throw rocks at your reindeer and make them fly away so you have to walk back to the north pole just like i have to walk because i didn't get a bike! santa you are a a$$hole.next year you'll see just how bad i can be.
little johnny.
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Post by chris426 on Dec 9, 2005 0:32:16 GMT -5
mailman, did you find that on your local mail run? didn't u know it's ilegal to read somebody else's mail?
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Post by fatcobra on Dec 9, 2005 16:25:06 GMT -5
THATS what happened to my letter!!!!lmao
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Post by themailman on Dec 9, 2005 16:40:06 GMT -5
i don't steal it,just browse! remember nobody knows you better then your mailman. fat cobra thanks for renewing your subscription to the magazine that comes in the black wrapper it's one of my favorites. sorry it comes late sometimes i need to "read" it twice.
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Post by fatcobra on Dec 9, 2005 17:22:26 GMT -5
Hey bro, dont trip, I have no problems sharing.....there should be more than one tho.... I guess the other mailmen are usin em too.....
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Post by themailman on Dec 9, 2005 21:10:39 GMT -5
yeah sometimes the guy forgets what one goes where so they get delayed or dropped at the wrong address.it's sad but it happens.
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Post by chris426 on Dec 9, 2005 23:59:13 GMT -5
well they can drop em off here, the kind in the black xxx wrapper.
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Post by derbyman753 on Dec 10, 2005 2:16:26 GMT -5
Guy walks in to his dr. and says doc. im going to kill my wife , dr says oh, dont do that youll go to jail , man says i dont care im tired of her and all the things she does , the dr tells the guy well sense theres know changing your mind , just love her to death, man says love her to death , yeah the dr says just make love too her 6 7 times a week till u kill her , well couple weeks go by and the dr stops by to see how the man is ,he gets there and here sets the old man on the porch with a blanket around him about 90 pounds soak n wet ,dr sasys hows it going ? man says well dr im doing just fine but look at that ol rip out there hoeing the garden she dont know shes just got seconds to live ;D
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Post by crash21 on Dec 11, 2005 21:19:40 GMT -5
Plasma screen TV..........$900
Surround sound home theater system............$500
On demand digital cable................$39.99/month
Seeing your mother-in-law on "America's Most Wanted"...............Priceless
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Post by sissygirl on Dec 12, 2005 10:38:31 GMT -5
Office Christmas Party John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him." "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday"
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Post by crash21 on Dec 12, 2005 18:08:24 GMT -5
That's just funny right there!
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Post by sissygirl on Dec 13, 2005 8:41:53 GMT -5
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY WOMEN would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.[/b] ;D
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Post by doba75 on Dec 16, 2005 0:37:06 GMT -5
that was good sis.
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Post by demoboy on Dec 18, 2005 16:32:32 GMT -5
Two fish are in a tank, One says to the other.........."You know how to drive this thing?"
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Post by stris141 on Dec 18, 2005 16:59:03 GMT -5
LOL I love that one Demoboy!!
What does a fish say, when it hits a concrete wall? DAM!
Steve
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Post by derbyman753 on Dec 22, 2005 13:18:24 GMT -5
whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits ure windshield ? its a$$
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Post by derbyman753 on Dec 22, 2005 13:20:54 GMT -5
if ure woman is at the front door yapen, and ure dog is at the backdoor yapen, wich one do u let in ? why the dog ofcourse he'll shut up after u let him in lol
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Dec 22, 2005 17:54:43 GMT -5
All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:
1.Occupied.
2.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3.Poo on seat.
4.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.
I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.
Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way underthe stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"
Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.
There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.
As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.
I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom
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Post by keystone121 on Dec 22, 2005 19:52:04 GMT -5
Dude, That is some FUNNY sh1t right there, I don't care who you are!!!!
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Post by crash21 on Dec 22, 2005 21:12:59 GMT -5
Dude! That was you?! That phone cost me $150!
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Post by themailman on Dec 23, 2005 15:44:17 GMT -5
holy crap that was funny! ahh the power of poop.
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Post by doba75 on Dec 26, 2005 10:45:05 GMT -5
Shorty that is a good 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by chris426 on Dec 26, 2005 23:15:57 GMT -5
that is some nasty sh!t lol get it? nasty sh!t? but man that really is just nasty
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