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Post by stris141 on Jan 3, 2006 9:59:18 GMT -5
A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. during a downpour and some how manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing You're just like Sheldon." "Who?" "Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time." "Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger. "Not Sheldon. He was a terrific athlete and could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, too. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. He was as handsome and sophisticated as Cary Grant with a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something" "Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy. He had a memory like a computer and could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "Wow, incredible, no wonder you remember him!" "Well, I never actually met Sheldon." "Then how do you know so much about him?" "After he died, I married his wife." Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 3, 2006 13:56:41 GMT -5
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks in your first three months here.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?"
The guy who had done it admitted, "I did."
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks,", he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did.The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. St.Peter cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.
"I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud,
"I wonder what I did to deserve this?"
The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 4, 2006 22:53:24 GMT -5
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.
As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."
The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast. "Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!" "I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to prise off the left shoe.
"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.
At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
Steve
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Post by dadicted on Jan 5, 2006 0:47:30 GMT -5
i wish i knew some jokes.
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Post by sissygirl on Jan 5, 2006 7:08:59 GMT -5
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her shoulder and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
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Post by doba75 on Jan 5, 2006 10:37:39 GMT -5
Ok heres one A guy walks into a bar says I want 6 shots lined up.
So the bartender lines up 6 shots, the guy slams everyone of them down. The bartender says wow whats going on, the guy goes "first bl0wj0b". The bartender says if that the case the 7th one is on me. The guy say no thank you, the bartender ask why?
The guy said if the first 6 shot didn't get the taste out of my mouth then nothing will. ;D
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Post by sissygirl on Jan 5, 2006 12:55:55 GMT -5
EWWWWWW YUCKY
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Post by doba75 on Jan 5, 2006 18:45:45 GMT -5
ROLFLMAO now how did I know that sis was going to be the first to respond to that?
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Post by stris141 on Jan 10, 2006 1:15:23 GMT -5
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Jan 10, 2006 7:13:28 GMT -5
A cowboy lesbian.........to funny ;D
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Post by sissygirl on Jan 10, 2006 7:15:35 GMT -5
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
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Post by chryslerfat on Jan 10, 2006 22:35:03 GMT -5
OMG Jac that 1 is wayyy too funny!!!!
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Jan 12, 2006 18:24:42 GMT -5
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a
good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And
send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!
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Post by stris141 on Jan 13, 2006 10:12:43 GMT -5
A woman walks into a LEXUS dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame, how may we help you today?"
Feeling very uncomfortable, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say.... if you farted just touching it ... you're going to crap when you hear the price."
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Jan 13, 2006 19:22:12 GMT -5
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? " The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
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Post by sissygirl on Jan 13, 2006 22:05:03 GMT -5
OMG the man told on his wife
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Post by stris141 on Jan 16, 2006 9:41:18 GMT -5
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Jan 16, 2006 12:23:09 GMT -5
Bet he won't stick his head in someones toilet again ;D
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Post by stris141 on Jan 17, 2006 1:14:54 GMT -5
And he won't pop anything in one either.LOL
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jan 20, 2006 13:28:32 GMT -5
>Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent >his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store. > >At the hardware store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf >while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to >finish waiting on a customer. >When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot. > >Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" >"My goodness that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. >Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy >and Joe Bob went to the back room to find it. > >From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that >hinge?" > >Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot." > >This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store....
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Jan 21, 2006 22:06:49 GMT -5
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread,which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves,as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too? "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'." ;D
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Post by stris141 on Jan 22, 2006 15:54:52 GMT -5
LOL I like that one Sis! Here's another.
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
"Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Jan 22, 2006 16:09:00 GMT -5
Steve thats so bad. ;D
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Post by stris141 on Jan 24, 2006 2:16:43 GMT -5
Steve ;D
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Post by themailman on Jan 24, 2006 15:37:58 GMT -5
i just heard that one yesterday and was going to post it!lol
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Post by sissygirl on Jan 29, 2006 7:53:58 GMT -5
Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven"
Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young,"said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. ut now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"
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Post by stris141 on Jan 29, 2006 12:37:10 GMT -5
If I ever hear anyone clucking, I'm going to run.LOL
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Jan 29, 2006 12:45:53 GMT -5
I should look up Uses For Vaseline.
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Post by crash21 on Jan 30, 2006 18:05:35 GMT -5
Oh yea. I'm using that next time.
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Post by dadicted on Jan 30, 2006 20:18:09 GMT -5
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it! [/quote my question is how did u get this shorty?
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