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Post by sissygirl on Jan 31, 2006 7:21:50 GMT -5
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists: The season opened today. There is no limit. They taste just like chicken. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt. ***we expect the problem to be over by Friday....
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Post by chris426 on Jan 31, 2006 13:19:15 GMT -5
welp looks like this mississippi boy is gonna get drafted
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Post by crash21 on Jan 31, 2006 20:37:44 GMT -5
I'd volunteer. There are rednecks in Indiana after all.
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Post by stris141 on Feb 1, 2006 10:17:44 GMT -5
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. Amen.
MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care. Amen.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 1, 2006 10:28:31 GMT -5
The Horse , The Chicken and a Harley Davidson
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.**
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.**
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!**
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.**
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new
Harley.**
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.**
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.**
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!**
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.**
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.**
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!**
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.**
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.**
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.**
The moral of the story?.......(yep, you ***betcha***, there IS a moral!)**
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"**
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Feb 1, 2006 14:55:04 GMT -5
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. As soon as were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big crap he always was
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Post by sissygirl on Feb 3, 2006 10:10:55 GMT -5
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again! replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt." ;D
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Post by crash21 on Feb 9, 2006 18:35:28 GMT -5
Two snowmen were standing in a front yard. One turns to the other and says "Do you smell carrots?"
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Post by sissygirl on Feb 9, 2006 23:07:27 GMT -5
LOL cute Crash ;D
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Post by stris141 on Feb 13, 2006 12:34:00 GMT -5
>An elderly couple were attending church services. >About halfway through, the husband leans over >and says to his wife, >" I just had a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" > >She replied, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Feb 13, 2006 13:20:58 GMT -5
OH MY !!!!!!! ;D
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Post by sissygirl on Feb 17, 2006 7:20:54 GMT -5
A living Will Is Important To Relationships -
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
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Post by stris141 on Feb 20, 2006 12:40:33 GMT -5
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blondeyells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little crap on your knee!"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 24, 2006 13:57:30 GMT -5
> My wife left me...I don't understand. > > After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on > expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker; maybe a > 12-pack on weekends. > > Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home > from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup. > > > I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up > anything!" > > > > She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." > > > > I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" > > > I don't think she'll be back. >
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Feb 25, 2006 8:43:50 GMT -5
OMG now thats funny ;D
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Post by stris141 on Feb 25, 2006 15:05:43 GMT -5
I thought it was also. Good thing I don't drink, and my Wife doesn't use make-up.LOL
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Feb 26, 2006 11:07:56 GMT -5
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. > The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a > while > the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place > would > erupt into cheer. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went > dead > silent. > > She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? > > The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue > of a > naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf" > > Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the > bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded > to the > restroom. > > After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just > long > enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. > > She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did > they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" > > "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you > like a > drink?" > > "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. > > "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue > is > lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Feb 26, 2006 11:38:13 GMT -5
LOL even nuns get curious
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Post by doba75 on Feb 27, 2006 17:25:13 GMT -5
now thats some funny sh!t there!!!!!!!!
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Post by crash21 on Feb 27, 2006 20:24:06 GMT -5
Being a mechanic (technician), I enjoyed this one. An auto technician received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going aroud corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each timr hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed Bowling ball from trunk."
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Post by crash21 on Feb 27, 2006 20:30:36 GMT -5
10 laws of auto racing
10. The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said, "I think it will go OK today."
9. You only get the lead when you need fuel.
8. If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will.
7. A part will never break during a test session, only during a race.
6. The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week.
5. The part you left at the shop is the one you need.
4. The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the fuel cell.
3. Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race- two laps down.
2. The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at.
1. A 10-car pileup will never happen behind you!
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Post by stris141 on Feb 28, 2006 1:51:43 GMT -5
>>>A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short >>>time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives >>>would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the >>>honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. >>> >>>The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The >>>card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went >>>to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last >>>drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. >>> >>>The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and >>>the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her >>>husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: " Extra >>>Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for >>>her daughter. >>> >>>The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a >>>week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a >>>whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting >>>were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's >>>Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally >>>found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days >>>a week, both ways." Mom fainted.
Steve
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Post by dadicted on Feb 28, 2006 3:24:03 GMT -5
nice lol, i like this thread, and will probably steel some of these for myself.
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Post by stris141 on Feb 28, 2006 15:48:59 GMT -5
That's what I do Matt.LOL
Steve
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Post by crash21 on Mar 1, 2006 22:07:28 GMT -5
lmao. Oh man, That's funny.
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Post by stris141 on Mar 7, 2006 1:19:08 GMT -5
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Mar 7, 2006 7:29:53 GMT -5
Rejected Titles for "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN"
PRANCES WITH WOLVES
JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE
BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID
THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE
PAINT YOUR f*g ON
HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
THE WILD BRUNCH
HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON
THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
VERY RAW HIDE
LONESOME DOUG
THE HOARSE SOLDIERS
DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN
MCCABE AND MR. MILLER
HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES
QUICKLY DOWN UNDER
BAREBACK MOUNTING
BONE-NANZA
DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS
HOME ON THE RANGER
OKLAHOMO
ROOSTER COCKBURN
LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
BALONEY PONY RODEO
TUBESTEAK COWBOYS
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE FABULOUS
SILVER-ROD-OWWW
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Post by stris141 on Mar 7, 2006 13:50:19 GMT -5
LOL Now those are funny!!!
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Mar 7, 2006 14:24:12 GMT -5
I can't wait till the movie is out on DVD so i can see what the fuss is about. The movie and actors in it won several awards. I guess its just the thought o a gay cowboy no one likes.
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Post by themailman on Mar 7, 2006 17:20:23 GMT -5
a boy comes home from school and his mother asks how his day was.he responds by telling her that he had sex with a teacher.she can't beleive her ears so she asks again,again he says he had sex with a teacher.mortified and not knowing what to say she sends him to his room until his father gets home. when the dad gets home the mother tells him to go ask his son what happened at school,he goes up to the boys room and asks what happened.the boy tells him the same thing,i had sex with a teacher.the dad leans over to the boy and say's don't say anything to your mother but i think the is great!really awesome!! then he tells him to come with him.they go down town and buy the boy a new bike, then stop over to the dairy queen for a big ice cream cone. as they sit there eating there ice cream the dad tells the boy that he can ride his new bike home if he wants.the boy says no thanks dad, my a$$ is still pretty sore!!
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