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Post by crash21 on Mar 9, 2006 19:18:41 GMT -5
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's > >>Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks > >>didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he > >>got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if > >>he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, > >>and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass > >>of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! > >>Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and > >>pressed. He looks around >the room and sees that it is in perfect > >>order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the > >>aspirins, > >>cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the > >>bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of > >>the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark > >>from his wife in lipstick!: > >>"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries > >>to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He > >>stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, > >> > steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also > >>at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?" > >>"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You > >>fell >over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the > >>hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." > >>Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect > >>order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table > >>waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to > >>the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you > >>screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!" > >> > >>Broken Coffee Table $39.99 > >>Hot Breakfast $4.20 > >>Two Aspirins 38ยข > >>Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless
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Post by stris141 on Mar 11, 2006 11:12:27 GMT -5
She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"
She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".
He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex.
Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"
She says "The egg timer's broken!"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 11, 2006 12:51:49 GMT -5
A 50th Anniversary story!!!
A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses Happy anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... Sorry I'm running late..had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."
Not to worry," said the Dad... "The important thing is that we're all together today. Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L. A. And didn't have time to get you a present. Sorry."
It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing.... So I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. Well... Your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... We just never found the time to get married."
The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS?" Yep," said the Dad.... "AND CHEAP ONES TOO."
Steve
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Post by chris426 on Mar 12, 2006 22:50:05 GMT -5
here's a couple from my g/f A redneck father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."
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Post by chris426 on Mar 12, 2006 22:50:31 GMT -5
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm Getting a tetanus shot."
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Post by chris426 on Mar 12, 2006 22:51:36 GMT -5
Larry gets home late one night and his wife Linda says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow, two, once in a while I like to play with my money, three, I like how money feels in my hand and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
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Post by chris426 on Mar 12, 2006 23:00:17 GMT -5
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked,
"Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
That's when a little girl at the back of the room yelled,
"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!!"
crashcar426: lmao
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Post by chris426 on Mar 12, 2006 23:08:35 GMT -5
A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
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Post by dadicted on Mar 14, 2006 9:26:28 GMT -5
thoes are pretty good chris. lol. its really early in the morning and i had to laugh in a pillow to keep from waking up the girl. lol.
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Post by chris426 on Mar 14, 2006 10:39:33 GMT -5
i'll tell my gf u liked em. lol she sent them to me while i was talkin to her on messenger the other night. i got another one i'll have to get from her about an oil change lol, u can just imagine
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Post by dadicted on Mar 14, 2006 17:27:06 GMT -5
i told some of thoes to my gf and she died laughing so in a way u were hitting on my girl. lol jk or u were helping me in some ways. lol. for sometings. lol.
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Post by stris141 on Mar 16, 2006 1:47:25 GMT -5
TEN TOP INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your Doctor's office include: "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day." (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges," is NOT a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLANโฆ..
(1) You ask for Viagra, they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Mar 16, 2006 6:58:05 GMT -5
LOL their all good one
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Post by sissygirl on Mar 16, 2006 8:45:24 GMT -5
The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their teepee all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately quarter past threein the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe...You dumber than buffalo crap. It tell me someone stole teepee!
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Post by sissygirl on Mar 16, 2006 8:48:02 GMT -5
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees." She did.
"Now take down my zipper." She did.
"Now go ahead take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..."Well . go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it, close to her lips, tentatively said .
"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"
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Post by stris141 on Mar 16, 2006 11:07:41 GMT -5
ROTFLMAO!!!
Steve
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Post by chris426 on Mar 17, 2006 0:53:08 GMT -5
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin a cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337
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Post by chris426 on Mar 17, 2006 0:56:54 GMT -5
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist 1. Go to O'Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. 12. Clean up. 13. Have another beer while oil is draining. 14. Look for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off. 16. Beer. 17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24. Remember drain plug from step 11. 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor. 27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. 28. Bang head on floor board in reaction. 29. Begin a cussing fit. 30. Throw wrench. 31. Cuss and complain. 32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. 33. Beer. 34. Beer. 35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. 36. Beer. 37. Lower car from jack stands 38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands 39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 40. Test drive car 41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence. 42. Car gets impounded. 43. Make bail; get car from impound yard. Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee Total: $1337 i aint ever heard of a 50.00 oil change even if you use the 5.00 a quart oil, and 10.00 oil filter
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Post by chris426 on Mar 17, 2006 0:59:08 GMT -5
Bubba is Dead
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay, he's dead."
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Post by stris141 on Mar 17, 2006 10:29:02 GMT -5
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 18, 2006 12:02:04 GMT -5
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out.
I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an 80,000 mortgage and no transportation."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 18, 2006 12:06:04 GMT -5
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked" MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?...."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 19, 2006 13:51:05 GMT -5
Texas Aggie Scientist A scientist from Texas A & M recently developed a bra that stops women's breasts from jiggling and stops their nipples from thrusting against the fabric when exposed to cool temperatures.
At a news conference to announce the discovery, a large group of men took the scientist outside and promptly beat the crap out of him.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 20, 2006 10:37:59 GMT -5
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Mar 20, 2006 10:46:06 GMT -5
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Post by crash21 on Mar 20, 2006 23:36:20 GMT -5
Dang that's funny.
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Post by stris141 on Mar 21, 2006 10:39:18 GMT -5
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 24, 2006 13:23:53 GMT -5
A man was laying on his back and fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun. He suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.
Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off of his legs."
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Mar 25, 2006 10:00:39 GMT -5
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
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Post by stris141 on Mar 25, 2006 13:37:50 GMT -5
That would do it!LOL
Steve
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