tude
Dog
custom fit hammered and bent
Posts: 76
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Post by tude on Mar 26, 2006 2:26:33 GMT -5
so there these 2 really drunk nasty havent showered in a week looking guys. they go into a sleeper house and say we want 2 girls they say ok go to room 13. the 2 girls look at each other and say were not going to do them, so they put a blow up doll in each bed. the 2 drunks do there thing and there walking down the street and the first one says "man i think something was wrong with mine i think she was dead, she didnt moan, cold, stiff, didnt move or nothing." the second one says "come to think of it some thing was wrong with mine i think she was a witch." the other says "whys that "he said "i bit her booby and she flew out the window."
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Post by stris141 on Mar 27, 2006 14:59:17 GMT -5
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Mar 28, 2006 9:47:02 GMT -5
THE PROBLEM WITH HIGH URINALS
A group of Kentucky second, third and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race today
Steve
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Post by sissygirl on Mar 29, 2006 7:54:37 GMT -5
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah,right," she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,"Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."
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Post by stris141 on Mar 30, 2006 1:39:30 GMT -5
MY Yellow Lab snores. But he doesn't have anything to tie the ribbon to.LOL
Steve
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Post by chris426 on Mar 30, 2006 23:35:14 GMT -5
F.E.M.A. - federal emergency missing agents or........ Fix Everything My A**
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Post by stris141 on Apr 1, 2006 11:38:09 GMT -5
The Preacher The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fainted.
Steve
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Post by Amy F. on Apr 1, 2006 21:56:53 GMT -5
WARNING: What you are about to read may make you pee your pants!!!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire!
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply an brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip.
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.
I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
*Hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, Right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" I calmly tell her.
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now..I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then try- shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm sure I'm going to need Post Tramatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to loss at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color
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Post by chris426 on Apr 2, 2006 1:31:47 GMT -5
A PRETTY GIRL WENT TO CHURCH , TO MAKE A CONFESSION TO A PRIEST. THE MAN ASKED HER WHAT IS THE MATTER. SHE THEN SAID MY BOYFRIEND DID SOMETHING BAD TO ME. THE PASTOR NOW KISSED HER AND SAID DID HE DO THIS TO U? SHE SAID NO, HE HUGGED HER AND SAID DID HE DO THIS TO U? SHE SAID NO, HE NOW PULLED OFF HER CLOTH AND SAID DID HE DO THIS TO U? SHE SAID NO,HE NOW MADE LOVE TO HER AND SAID DID HE DO THIS TO U? SHE SAID NO, THEN HE NOW SAID WHAT IS THE THING HE DID THAT IS MAKING U TO BE CRYING? THEN THE GIRL SAID "HE GAVE ME AIDS." THE PASTOR,THEN FAINTED...
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Post by stris141 on Apr 10, 2006 9:03:29 GMT -5
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Apr 14, 2006 9:10:24 GMT -5
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it" The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back. "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.".
Steve
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Post by crash21 on Apr 14, 2006 19:20:34 GMT -5
There was this man that forgot his wife's birthday. She told him that since he forgot his birthday, again, that the next morning she wanted something in the driveway that goes 0-200. The next morning, she went out to the driveway and found a set of bathroom scales.
The funeral plans are pending.
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Post by stris141 on Apr 15, 2006 11:52:45 GMT -5
Miss Ellie, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom ! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Ellie", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this ?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful ? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Apr 16, 2006 10:38:13 GMT -5
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary Mary. ."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Apr 24, 2006 23:19:06 GMT -5
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Apr 29, 2006 11:38:03 GMT -5
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. A few moments passed . "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike....." A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving" "Jason is on his skate board...." A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
Steve
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Post by chris426 on Apr 30, 2006 0:10:02 GMT -5
Three yankees and three southern boys were in a train station to buy tickets to their destination.
Each of the 3 yankees purchased a ticket for the trip while only one southerner bought a ticket.
How do all three of you plan to make the train trip with only one ticket? asked one of the notrthern men.
Simple answered the southern boys, just watch and learn.
As they got on the train the yankees took their seats and all 3 southern boys crowded into a restroom. As the couductor came around taking up tickets he knocked on the restroom door and one lone arm came out with the ticket they hand purchased.
When the coast was clear all three came out and joined the yankees. Amazing thought the yankees we'll do that on the return trip.
On the day of the return trip the yankees purchased a single and were confussed when the southern boys bought no ticket at all.
Asked how they could make the trip without any ticket at all the southern boys said they would explain it when the got back to they destination.
All six boarded the train and the three yankees crowded into one restroom and the southern boys crowed in one just down the hall.
As soon as the train started moving one of the southern boys slipped out and knocked on the yankees restroom door and said "Ticket please".
To this day the yankees never figured out why they were thrown from the train.
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Post by stris141 on May 8, 2006 9:02:02 GMT -5
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears
Steve
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Post by stris141 on May 12, 2006 15:04:03 GMT -5
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind.
So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."
"Hello?" the woman says.
Wow! She sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, I’m up for it! Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic.... But for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9."
Steve
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Post by crash21 on May 12, 2006 20:55:09 GMT -5
I hate it when that happens.
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Post by stris141 on May 13, 2006 12:19:19 GMT -5
LOL I would too!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on May 25, 2006 9:06:53 GMT -5
Donald Rumsfeld is reporting to the President and the Cabinet. He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."
The President says,"Oh,my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.
The entire Cabinet is stunned. Usually George Bush shows no reaction whatsoever to these reports.
Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a Brazilian?!?!?"
Steve
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Post by crash21 on May 25, 2006 19:49:27 GMT -5
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead challenge each other to a breast-stroke swimming contest accross the english channel. The brunette easily wins, the redhead comes in second, and the blonde doesn't even finish the race. As the blonde is being pulled into the rescue boat, she says "Not to complain, but those other two were using their arms."
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Post by stris141 on May 26, 2006 10:23:32 GMT -5
I just love blond jokes! LOL
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jun 9, 2006 21:05:08 GMT -5
> > Two ladies talking in heaven: > > > > > > 1ST WOMAN : Hi! My name is Wanda. > > > > 2nd woman : HI! I\'M SYLVIA. HOW\'D YOU DIE? > > > > 1st woman : I Froze to Death. > > > > 2nd woman : HOW HORRIBLE! > > > > 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I > > began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What > > about you? > > > > 2nd woman : I DIED OF A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK. I SUSPECTED THAT MY > > HUSBAND WAS CHEATING, SO I CAME HOME EARLY TO CATCH HIM IN THE ACT. BUT > > INSTEAD, I FOUND HIM ALL BY HIMSELF IN THE DEN WATCHING TV. > > > > 1st woman: So, what happened? > > > > 2ND WOMAN: I WAS SO SURE THERE WAS ANOTHER WOMAN THERE SOMEWHERE > > THAT I STARTED RUNNING ALL OVER THE HOUSE LOOKING. I RAN UP INTO THE > > ATTIC AND SEARCHED, AND DOWN INTO THE BASEMENT. THEN I WENT THROUGH > > EVERY CLOSET AND CHECKED UNDER ALL THE BEDS. I KEPT THIS UP UNTIL I HAD > > LOOKED EVERYWHERE, AND FINALLY I BECAME SO EXHAUSTED THAT I JUST KEELED > > OVER WITH A HEART ATTACK AND DIED. > > > > 1ST WOMAN: TOO BAD YOU DIDN\'T LOOK IN THE FREEZER---WE\'D BOTH > > STILL BE ALIVE.
Steve
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Post by crash21 on Jun 10, 2006 16:35:02 GMT -5
MAN that's funny!
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Post by stris141 on Jun 20, 2006 9:06:06 GMT -5
Late Adultery
An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father, I'm 81 years old, married, with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice."
"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never, Father", replied the old man, "I'm Jewish".
"So why are you telling ME all that?!" asked the priest.
"Well," answered the man, "I'm telling everybody!"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jun 22, 2006 13:44:44 GMT -5
>>> Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. >>> >>> One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way > before." >>> >>> The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
Steve
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Post by Amy F. on Jun 22, 2006 20:14:23 GMT -5
DAMN!!! All this time, I've been doing it the wrong way!! ;D ROFLMAO
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Post by stris141 on Jun 23, 2006 10:17:34 GMT -5
> > A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th > >wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. > > > > Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, > >"For being such an exemplary married couple & being faithful to each other > >for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." > > > > "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said > >the wife. > > > > The fairy waved her magic wand - poof! - Two tickets for the Queen > >Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands. > > > > Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment saying: "Well, > >this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come > >again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger > >than me." > > > > > > The wife & the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.. > > > > So the fairy waved her magic wand - poof! - the husband became 92 > >years old. > > > > The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should > >remember that fairies are female.
Steve
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