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Post by stris141 on Jun 12, 2008 8:59:14 GMT -5
That'll teach her!!! LOL
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Jun 20, 2008 17:01:07 GMT -5
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, 'SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?' THE OLD FARMER SAID, 'THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES..' 'I'M SORRY SIR,' SAID THE TICKET AGENT. 'WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER.' THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER, AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS.. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED, AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT, AND WATCH THE MOVIE. 'MARGE,' WHISPERED MILDRED. 'WHAT?' SAID MARGE. 'I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.' 'WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?' ASKED MARGE. 'HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT', WHISPERED MILDRED. 'WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT', SAID MARGE. 'HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL.' 'I THOUGHT SO, TOO', SAID MILDRED, 'BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN
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Post by stris141 on Jun 21, 2008 3:12:44 GMT -5
Wonder if it was buttered?
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jun 29, 2008 22:31:54 GMT -5
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. 'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.' 'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jul 5, 2008 3:08:16 GMT -5
Not really a joke. But should work here.
> > London Times Obituary - for the Late Mr. Common Sense > > > >> 'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, > >> who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he > >> was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red > >> tape. He > >> will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: > >> Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the > >> worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. > >> Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend > >> more than you can earn) and reliable strategies: adults, not > >> children, are in charge. > >> His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but > >> overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old > >> boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens > >> suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher > >> fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. > >> Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the > >> job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their > >> unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required > >> to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a > >> student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant > >> and wanted to have an abortion. > >> Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; > >> and criminals received better treatment than their victims. > >> Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a > >> burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. > >> Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed > >> to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a > >> little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. > >> Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; > >> his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, > >> Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I > >> Want It Now, > >> Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. > >> Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. > >> If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority > >> and do nothing.'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jul 10, 2008 15:02:18 GMT -5
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.
He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no!," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did."
Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh . mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What have I done?
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time'"
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Jul 15, 2008 16:55:04 GMT -5
One foggy night, a Cubs fan was heading south, and a White Sox fan was driving north. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars. The Sox fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, 'Man, I'm lucky to be alive!' Likewise the Cubs fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived. The Sox fan walks over to the Cubs fan and says, 'Hey man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our differences and live as friends instead of rivals.' The Cubs fan thinks for a moment and says, 'You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck.' The Cubs fan pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Sox fan, 'I think this is another sign. We should toast to our newfound friendship.' The Sox fan agrees and grabs the bottle . After sucking down half the bottle, he hands it back to the Cubs fan and says, 'Your turn!' The Cubs fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the bottle over the bridge into the river, and says, 'Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up.'
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Post by stris141 on Jul 15, 2008 20:07:54 GMT -5
> A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. > They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far > and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware > store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by > the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. > However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to > carry his entire purchases home. > While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old > lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to > get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of > fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but > I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put > the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a > chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why > thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. > On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. > We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over > cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend > me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up > against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' > The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of > paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly > hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set > the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the > bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jul 26, 2008 2:11:21 GMT -5
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Jul 30, 2008 14:50:41 GMT -5
THE HAIRCUT> A young boy had just received his driver's permit and asked hisfather>if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a>deal with his son. 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B Average, >study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the>car.'>>The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the>offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, >'Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I'veobserved>that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you>didn't get your hair cut.'> >The young man paused a moment then said, 'You know, Dad, I've been>thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that>Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long >hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.'>>To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice that they all walked>everywhere they went?
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Aug 14, 2008 9:18:50 GMT -5
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.
There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. 'I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too.'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Aug 20, 2008 18:45:03 GMT -5
An attorny arived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the govenor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,"What time of night is this ? Where have you been?. "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Aug 28, 2008 9:55:00 GMT -5
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Sept 2, 2008 21:18:32 GMT -5
When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.? He slapped him across the face and yelled, 'How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?' Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, 'You wanted to end our liberties but you failed.' James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, 'This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!' Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, 'It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence.' The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding, in pain,then an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, 'This is not what you promised me.' The Angel replied, 'I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Sept 3, 2008 9:48:40 GMT -5
Two Retired Marines in San Diego were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no merchandise, only a few empty shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot sailor is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a crusty old Retired Navy Chief walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick salty accent asked, "What the #*/@ are you selling in' here?"
One of the Marines replied sarcastically, "We're selling azzholes"
Without skipping a beat, the Old Chief said, "You're doin' well then... only two left!"
Marines, God bless them, but they should not mess with Navy Chiefs.
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Post by stris141 on Sept 7, 2008 11:51:41 GMT -5
It is all in the way you say it!!
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments.
Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch:
'Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'
And THAT is how it's done folks.
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Sept 21, 2008 21:15:20 GMT -5
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playgrou nd and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.' Mommy fainted! Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Oct 10, 2008 19:59:45 GMT -5
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to crap yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun..
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
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Post by stris141 on Oct 10, 2008 21:35:09 GMT -5
That's the only way I'll go shopping at Wally World from now on!!!
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Oct 25, 2008 4:49:39 GMT -5
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to
find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old
Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about
two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold
water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours
later he staggered back, almost dead.
'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Nov 15, 2008 14:13:49 GMT -5
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his azz and let him go!'
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Nov 15, 2008 14:23:13 GMT -5
A family is driving in their car on holiday. A frog is crossing the road and the husband somehow manages to stop the car without hitting it. He gets out and carries the frog to the side of the road.
The frog is very grateful and thanks the man, telling him that he will grant him a wish. So the man says, "Please make my dog win his next race.
The frog looks at the dog, which jumped out of the car, and notices that the dog has only three legs. He tells the man that it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man make another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please help my wife win the next beauty contest she enters."
The frog asks the wife to get out of the car. She comes out of the car and walks over to the frog. The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I have another look at that dog?"
Steve
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Post by stris141 on Nov 18, 2008 13:55:55 GMT -5
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing . The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk
Steve
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Post by Shorty Thompson on Nov 19, 2008 20:16:30 GMT -5
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to crap yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun..
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
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